holy moly

I am enraptured somewhat by the tale of Circe, the sorceress of Greek mythology, and as a corollary to this fascination is an interest in the perennial called mandrake. The mandrake is synonymous with witchcraft and maintains a connection through the ages to Circe. I have been researching the properties and effects of the psychoactive alkaloids present within the mandrake which curiously makes an appearance in the Old Testament as an aphrodisiac, and then going further back into antiquity there is a connection to the ancient Egyptian goddess Hathor. The fruits of the mandrake are called love apples and Hathor, among her many attributes, is the Mistress of Intoxication and the Goddess of Love, from which the Greek goddess Aphrodite shares a connection. The mandrake seems to have come to ancient Egypt from the Middle East in the pharaonic 18th dynasty as it was found in the tomb of the pharaoh Tutankhamen and it started appearing as an offering to Hathor in the Egyptians' art at this time as well as in love songs of the era. In the Old Testament, Jacob's wife Rachel exchanges a night with Jacob for her sister Leah in order to gain possession of the mandrakes Leah's son Reuben had brought home. The mandrake is then presumably used as an aid to help the childless Rachel conceive and as a result she gives birth to Joseph. Later on in the Old Testament, the mandrake is mentioned in the Songs of Solomon, which for all intents and purposes are love poems to the Great Goddess.

The mandrake is from the solanaceae family of plants and this piqued my interest since these are sorcerer plants - the venerable nightshades and daturas.

mandrake

An effective dose of these plants can cause delusions, hallucinations, amnesia, and a high degree of suggestibility. The mandrake also has a history of being used medicinally and as mentioned above in love potions; so, as with most remedies the difference between a medicine and a poison lies in preparation and dosage.

The tale of Circe that interests me is from Homer's Odyssey where Odysseus and his crew arrive on her island and are invited to a feast. Along the way, they meet strangely docile lions and wolves. Circe is singing an enchanting song and working a huge loom as half of Odysseus' crew arrives at her clearing in the forest and sit down to a sumptuous banquet. Circe laces a beverage with her sorcerer's drugs and then turns the men into swine. After hearing of his men's fate, Odysseus sets out with the remainder of his crew to save them but he is stopped along the way by the wise messenger god Hermes, who was sent by the goddess Athena, and he instructs Odysseus in the use of a plant called moly which will counteract the effects of Circe's drugs. After avoiding her trap, Odysseus threatens Circe with his sword and gets her to free his men from her enchantment. After this Circe, invites Odysseus to her bed; however, Odysseus suspects treachery, and as he was counselled earlier by Hermes to get her to swear to the gods she would not harm him, he remains free from her spell. Eventually, Odysseus stays on the island with Circe for a year before he continues on his journey back home to Ithaca.

Odysseus, Circe and transformed man | Athenian red-figure calyx krater C5th B.C.

Angelica Kauffmann's painting of Circe enticing Odysseus, 1786

Within this myth are many elements that invite a closer look. First of all, the turning of Odysseus' men into swine along with the tame beasts surrounding Circe's home is tainted with misogyny. This suggests women are to blame for making men veer off their own personal hero's journey and causing them to lose their ability to reason, instead of pinning it on perhaps their own doing. The underlying idea here is that the pursuit of women will bewitch and destroy the fortitude of men. In relation to this idea is the necessary sexual relationship between Circe and Odysseus, which depicts women as using sex and pleasure if the drugs don't work to gain control over men. As well, Circe at her loom is representing weaving a spell to keep those within her sphere of influence enchanted. When Hermes gives Odysseus the secret of moly to counteract the spell it symbolizes that wisdom is the antidote to the enchantment. Metaphorically, the enchantment can also be thought of as the love of the pleasures of the world; the world symbolized by the feminine Circe and the loom representing the weaving of the world into existence. It turns the man on a journey of adventure and discovery of self, his true calling, into a tamed beast once he tastes the finer pleasures of the world. This all ties in to the idea of Circe as the original femme fatale. The name Circe brings to mind the circus ring where the enchanted beasts put on a great show for all. This idea of a ring or circle is prevalent in magic, witchcraft, and sorcery and in relation to this idea, Odysseus stays for one year with Circe so the sun can complete a revolution; in essence a full circle.

The idea of Circe representing the seductive pull of getting lost in the sensuous pleasures of incarnation really fascinates me. From an Eastern perspective, this is related to the idea of Maya. In this regard Maya is impermanence and therefore illusory, so the pursuit of worldly treasures is a fool's errand. Being constantly tricked by this delusion keeps you trapped on the wheel of Samsara, going round and round in this carnival; ah the old Merry Go Round riding the tamed beasts! Every successive incarnation into the game of life is the result of the forgetfulness and thinking this time it really is going to be magical. The pull and attachment to carnal desires remains strong until you can finally break free. Circe, the carnival, and the circus are all symbolizing this predicament. When you are ready, Athena sends Hermes, the wise messenger god, to give you the knowledge necessary to break free of your chains.

Bartholomeus Spranger, Hermes and Athena, c. 1585 Fresco Castle, Prague

Now in terms of the drugs Circe is using, it is through folklore and tradition thought to be the mandrake as it has been called the drug of Circe and within some languages the Mandrake has been given a name connecting it to Circe, such as in the Latin ciceron. As I mentioned above, the mandrake is related to the daturas, and in my travels and involvement with Amazonian shamanism, I am familiar with these plants called toé in the Amazon basin and I have ingested them as part of an Ayahuasca brew. When I drank Ayahuasca with a high content of toé, I experienced the most harrowing and dark night of my life. In my opinion, Ayahuasca is a teacher plant and when it works with the daturas it gives you a lesson in the power and control your dark side has over you. I did experience hallucinations and delusions during and following the ceremonies for a few days afterwards and was also very open to suggestion, so much so that I followed the voice in my head that told me I should leave the place I was at and go home. But enough of my experience with these plants because what is strange about the use of datura and its relationship to Circe is the antidote to its effects being the plant called moly.

Historians and scholars have taken up the task of trying to identify moly. As with all things found in the murky waters of antiquity there is more than one possibility, though one of the identifications I find quite striking. Moly has been identified by some scholars as a plant called peganum harmala.

peganum harmala

Well, I know my entheogens so I know this plant is used as an Ayahuasca analogue in places where Ayahuasca cannot be found or is illegal. The alkaloids within peganum harmala mimic those found within the Ayahuasca vine. Putting this altogether, we have the goddess Athena getting the wisdom god Hermes to go and deliver a message to Odysseus to ingest an Ayahuasca analogue to counteract the enchantment and trappings of the material world represented by Circe. Thousands of people a year currently seeking answers to the vexing questions of life are doing just that in spiritual quests down into the Amazon jungle or within Ayahuasca circles springing up in many places throughout the world.

To conclude this tale of worldly trappings and delusion I am reminded of the seductive pull of Los Angeles on those egos infatuated with the grandeur of self and the desire for fame. The song "Hotel California" by the Eagles sums it up, describing the pull of losing yourself completely within the illusion.

Hotel California

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair

Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim

I had to stop for the night.

There she stood in the doorway;

I heard the mission bell

And I was thinking to myself

'This could be heaven or this could be Hell'

Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way

There were voices down the corridor,

I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face.

Plenty of room at the Hotel California

Any time of year (any time of year) you can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends

She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends

How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,

'Please bring me my wine'

He said, 'we haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty-nine'

And still those voices are calling from far away,

Wake you up in the middle of the night

Just to hear them say"

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face.

They livin' it up at the Hotel California

What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise), bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,

The pink champagne on ice

And she said, 'we are all just prisoners here, of our own device'

And in the master's chambers,

They gathered for the feast

They stab it with their steely knives,

But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was

Running for the door

I had to find the passage back to the place I was before

'Relax' said the night man,

'We are programmed to receive.

You can check out any time you like,

But you can never leave!'

Written by Don Felder, Don Henley, Glenn Frey • Copyright © Cass County Music / Wisteria Music / Privet Music, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group, Red Cloud Music

cathartic

The word cathartic is from a Greek verb meaning to cleanse as well as to purge, which is based on an adjective meaning pure. As a noun, cathartic means a medicine that purges. This ties in with being holy and the idea of holiness being lost in the bowels of history as referring to a state of emptiness. This may also shed some light upon the etymology of the Christian sect known as Cathars who were persecuted, massacred, and driven underground by the Inquisitors of the medieval Catholic Church. 

The Ayahuasca experience as I have detailed in my writings is supremely cathartic in mind and body. There is a physical element of purging and within this element comes a feeling of releasing mental states and blockages that are holding you back or no longer serving you. At the forefront of my experiences has always been the Great Goddess. It has been hard to not notice in my progress that the more I emptied my mind the more the medicine could and would help. When I did not quiet my mind the experience tended towards the dark and chaotic. This had a tendency to repeat over and over in ceremonies, akin to getting hit on the head with a hammer repeatedly until you finally stop doing it. 

The idea of being pure and holy has taken a few years to grasp. My western cultural roots are grounded in Judaeo-Christian values and beliefs and the exhortation towards holiness conjured thoughts and images of an impossibly pious and chaste life. The Semitic root of holy found in the Old Testament is qodesh and in the Levant qodesh can also refer to a goddess. This goddess, known as Qudshu, shares many attributes that have as their ultimate derivation the ancient Egyptian goddess Hathor.

Qudshu wearing the headdress of Hathor

CC BY-SA 2.0 fr

Artist Unknown Description Stele featuring Egyptian and foreign gods: Qetesh (Syria), Min (Egypt), Resheph (Egypt) [1] Painting of limestome Dimensions 31.50 cm high, 18.80 cm wide, 6.50 cm deep Current location (Inventory)Louvre Museum   Native name Musée du Louvre Location Paris Coordinates 48° 51′ 37″ N, 2° 20′ 15″ E    Established 1793 Website www.louvre.fr Authority control VIAF: 257711507 ISNI: 0000 0001 2260 177X ULAN: 500125189 LCCN: n80020283 NLA: 35912436 WorldCat Sully, 1er étage, Le Nouvel Empire, Salle 28 Accession number C 86 Source/Photographer Rama

Hathor, among many attributes and epithets, is the Goddess of Love - sensual, exotic, erotic, compassionate, and motherly, as well as the Mistress of Intoxication. How does this reconcile with being pure and holy? The answer boils down to understanding the trappings of culture. The idea of purity became conflated with being chaste and virginal somewhere in our Victorian prudish past. I finally understood qodesh and holiness to mean emptiness; a state as an empty chalice free of cultural bias and preconceptions, with the mind being like a cottage lake calm at dawn. It wasn't long after that I was able to tie this idea into practices such as meditation where the goal is to turn off the world, and stop the noise and the chatter in the skull. Looking back on my forays into states of altered consciousness I realized how important it is to do just this - turn off the mind. The active mind in such an psychically open state is ultimately toxic and this lesson repeatedly beat me over the head in many ceremonies. I called it and still refer to my time in ceremony at SpiritQuest fondly as being the 'school of hard knocks'. When the mind is silenced this accomplishment leads to the magic happening. That is what the Great Goddess was instructing us to do through being 'holy'. 

sacred sexuality

Sacred sexuality is something I could grasp on a higher plane but doubted it in the now I find myself. I have intuitively understood that the union between a man and a woman mimicked the state of unity of the all however I knew the unity we can experience right now is fleeting and short. As well our peculiar human experience likes to foul things up and attach morals and expectations to biological urges so thus attached to sex are ideas of shame and a need to shield your predilections from others lest your ego be called out for what turns you on. Through this the dark side of your human experience can control you since it has something on you. It is a form of internal blackmail. If you engage in an activity not culturally sanctioned, in the aftermath of pleasure you immediately feel ashamed. This is so ingrained within it is difficult to break free of and perversely this leads to an addiction to the behaviour and a cycle hard to break. First thing is to clear the mind and stop the behaviour and regain control over your thoughts and actions. I did that and then tried to reintroduce the behaviour. It was a no go for a long time. Finally this wise woman I follow on the Internet counselled us on the need to bring joy into our lives and accept it and not feel ashamed about pleasure.

Play & Pleasure as a portal to the soul

For some reason this time it really got through to me and resonated down to my very core and I have reintroduced the behaviour, this time with no shaming but just full on acceptance of what turns me on and brings me a respite of pleasure within my mundane existence. It's funny in that I fully embraced purification and celibacy as a requirement for my journeys into altered states of consciousness. I was a prize student in this regard and then lo and behold during these ceremonies I experienced very erotic visions and senses, so much so it made me wonder what is up? It led me to a discovery of what serpent power is and how it can be used. I have boiled it down to the sexual, health, and the spiritual. Then the next step is balance, something I sorely lacked! In psychology it is a given that the suppression of a feeling or a desire will eventually lead to major difficulties and a presentation of this need in an increased way. The philosopher Alan Watts has counselled many times in his lectures about feelings and that there are no wrong feelings. You may attach cultural labels to feelings and there are justifiable moral questions raised by feelings we experience however it is important to remember a feeling is never wrong. I have taken this to heart. So with this all said, admitted to, and accepted, I fully realize as well the idea of purity and how it relates to the use of serpent power. Purity does not mean a Victorian sense of chasteness and prudishness. Instead it is an attempt to describe the need for an empty chalice or a stilled mind like the calmness of a cottage lake at dawn. The stillness of the mind is what is needed and what is being described by purity. This allows you to enter into higher states of consciousness much easier. Shifting gears on serpent power from the sexual to the spiritual is what I will be doing now. It is part of my intent as enacted by my will. I will return to pleasure at some point but for now I will channel the energy into my sacred journey to the top of the mountain. 

As an addendum to the above I'd like to discuss how the cycle of arousal within the male mimics the life cycle, in a sense the journey that is available to all. I have seen echoes in this idea within the iconography of ancient Egypt. The ithyphallic Osiris is a result of Isis and Nephthys re-membering him, after he was murdered by his brother Set, through magic in order that Isis could copulate with her husband to produce the son Horus.

Isis as a kite bird copulating with Osiris from Seti I Temple at Abydos

It is the power of the two goddesses, in essence serpent power, that causes Osiris to become erect.

Ithyphallic Osiris from Seti I Temple at Abydos

The inert Osiris is reanimated and given life in this world once again temporarily through the magical power that is property of goddesses. The son of the union, Horus, is the ever returning vessel of light, the eternal energy, come forth once again through the magic of cosmic union. As well in ancient Egypt the figure of the god Min is shown erect.

Ithyphallic Min on stele from ROM

His power is fecundity and it is interesting that he is connected with mountains with one of his epithets being 'Min, the man on the mountain.’ I have found that in my spiritual journey I have reached a point where I need to physically go to the highlands in order to climb the proverbial mountain. With all that has been happening to me I can connect the scaling of the spiritual mountain to its apex as being in congruence with an erect penis. The serpent power is fully engaged within and you are at your peak but with the difference being channeling the power into a spiritual rather than a sexual outlet. A major reason why I have made this connection is that there is a passage in the Tao Te Ching that ruminates upon this pure power being present in a baby boy when the baby involuntary produces an erection. 

Being full of power

is like being a baby.

Scorpions don’t sting,

tigers don’t attack,

eagles don’t strike.

Soft bones, weak muscles,

but a firm grasp.

Ignorant of the intercourse

of man and woman,

yet the baby penis is erect.

True and perfect energy!

All day long screaming and crying,

but never getting hoarse.

True and perfect harmony!

To know harmony

is to know what’s eternal.

To know what’s eternal

is enlightenment.

Increase of life is full of portent:

the strong heart exhausts the vital breath.

The full-grown is on the edge of age.

Not the Way.

What’s not the Way soon dies.

Lao Tzu: Tao Te Ching, A Book about the Way and the Power of the Way - Ursula K. Le Guin, pages 81-82.

It took a while to figure out what it meant but once I connected it to the figures of ancient Egypt discussed above along with serpent power I grasped the meaning. In relating this masculine sexual organ as being related metaphorically to the cycle of life it is such: 

Through excitation, metaphorically the plucking of a guitar string, the phallus through vibration is put into motion and gathers power. The power coalesces and the member stands erect. Through increasing vibrational power the member eventually reaches a stage of being fully engaged and full of power and explodes. This is reaching the top of the mountain peak and climaxing. From that point the power recedes and the form returns to a state of inertness until once again the vibrational string is plucked, put into motion, and the process repeats. In ancient Egypt when this power noticeably declines in the ruling Pharaoh they held a festival for the King to renew this power. Part of the rituals enacted at the Heb Sed festival had the Pharaoh demonstrating the ability to obtain an erection and masturbating to completion. In addition the Pharaoh would become a night time music maker for the great goddess Hathor and call upon the serpent goddess to renew his power, as this text from the tomb of an official of Pharaoh Amenhotep III’s court reveals:

…in the lower register is a powerful invocation to the starry snake goddess of the night, Hathor 'Gold', whom they call on to rise and be propitiated through the dances they perform in her honour. But they dance not only for this beneficent queen of the night, shining in her fiery brilliance, but also for Amenhotep who has great need of her power. In their chant to the goddess they implore her to take him to the east of the sky, to the place where at dawn, 'the doors of the sky open and a god goes forth pure'. And this is what they sing:

Make jubilation for Gold

and sweet pleasure for

The Lady of the Two Lands,

that she may cause

Nebmaatre [Amenhotep], given life,

to be enduring.

Come, rise. Come

that I may make

Jubilation at twilight for you

And music in the evening.

O Hathor, you are exalted

In the hair of Re, in the hair of Re,

For to you has been given

The sky, deep night and the stars…

Hathor Rising, The Power of the Goddess in Ancient Egypt, Alison Roberts, pages 26-27.

Changing your attitude towards what is ultimately the most sacred of the sacred reveals ultimately that the expression of the godhead we seek, the totality of the all, the one, is the sacred cosmic union of the divine feminine and the divine masculine. The climax of that relationship enacts creation. It's the big bang. We are living in the post orgasmic stage of the most sacred sexual union ever consummated. How delightful is that? 

black obsidian

black obsidian reflection,

reveals Goddess presence.

forgiveness and Love,

guide and strengthen.

courage and protection,

always with me.

thought

a sense.

self

a feeling.

thoughts

come and go;

some we hold on to.

feelings

come and go;

some we hold on to.

letting go

of self,

finds no self.

finding no self,

is unity.

mother smiles.

heart rejoices.

i am you

experiencing you

as me.

the past

a ghost.

the future

an illusion.

Now is all there is.

i am a vibration

which becomes,

then goes away,

repeatedly,

until eventually,

i am the musician

once again.

yin and yang.

darkness and light.

attempt to grasp the mystery

is to only look at reflection.

nature

is a reflection

of mysterious power.

that's how I best know her. 

the actor and the jaguar

The actor I encountered during an Ayahuasca ceremony vision in a car on train tracks was upon reflection representative of the "higher self." He was playing the part of an actor to signify that all forms of consciousness in this world are an act in the drama we find ourselves ensconced within. He appeared after I had finally silenced the mind, after being mentally knocked about in previous ceremonies, and I had not allowed the dark thoughts to overwhelm or trick me. I told him he was really good at his role and he should take up acting full time for which he seemed grateful for the encouragement, but then I told him he must go. I had an innate sense that the vision should be transitioning to a new scene and he was just a bridge to enact this change. I wasn't ready for him yet, I had more to experience, struggle with, and accomplish before taking on the meaning of the "higher self." In a way the moniker "higher self" is very misleading. It is the unity of all consciousness and to designate it as a "self" is a misnomer, another way our use of language obfuscates the truth behind archetypal content that you encounter over the course of a lifetime, and this makes you think it is something separate you are looking for; a separate entity brimming with wisdom and knowledge. It's not; it's you that you are looking for however that's what makes this whole journey of discovery puzzling and really funny. There's a necessary deconstruction of self before you can continue on and find the answer. I'm at the point where I know I am looking for what is within and also without yet I will continue to persist in this adventure until I complete it. The mythologist Joseph Campbell said something to the effect of going into the labyrinth to slay the minotaur but in the end only finding that you needed to slay yourself.

We have not even to risk the adventure alone, for the heroes of all time have gone before us — the labyrinth is thoroughly known. We have only to follow the thread of the hero path, and where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence. And where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world.
Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces (1949), Chapter 1

In order to find the "higher self" you must let go of the self - the minotaur. The minotaur is symbolizing who you think you are. You have the higher faculties of reason which is peculiar to man yet you are still ruled by instincts which are very animal like. This split is discovered within an eternal conflict between two spheres of duality competing for rule over the psychic self which the ancient Egyptians mythologized in their story of the conflict between brothers struggling for the kingship of the land in The Contendings of Horus and Set. There is also the realization of distinct points of influence upon the self that can be described as the feminine feelings and the masculine intellect which eastern cultures call the yin and the yang. The resultant knowledge of this investigation reveals you are a battleground for forces you have little control over and instead you spend a lifetime trying to hold it all together in harmonious relationships. It is ultimately the last attachment to self we are loathe to let go of because what's left after that life long building project is destroyed? But why wait until death for the bricks to come tumbling down when you can participate in the demolition now? Anyway, two Ayahuasca ceremonies later, which completed the latest cycle of inner work, I was once again attacked by dark forces, but I regrouped and felt this surge of power and heightened consciousness. In the distance of my vision I spotted a jaguar against a mountainous backdrop and this regal feline noticed my presence and started moving towards me. I stood my ground as it approached and rushed me. It came right up to me, face to face, and let out a huge roar. I felt no fear as I roared right back at the jaguar. I then magically became the jaguar and I felt all powerful, like a King. The events in the vision that transpired cumulatively felt like the end of a quest and I felt I had attained some kind of a mastery over my dark inner world. It was true to an extent as over the course of the next year I realized my time with Ayahuasca for now had come to an end as all the signs were pointing to moving on from the exploration of the subconscious realms. In addition, the final Vilca visionary trip I underwent pretty much was telling me the same thing. This visionary catalyst propelled me upon a trip that was like a hot air balloon ride journeying through the three shamanic worlds and the balloon had first uncomfortably paused in the lower world much to my consternation. I realized later it was symbolizing how I was attached to the darkness, I always desired to return to its mystery, and I needed to let go. Fourteen months later I finally understood the whole becoming jaguar vision. The jaguar was also the sum total of all consciousness, just like the actor, which is the "higher self." The jaguar approached me and became me to demonstrate that I am all of consciousness. I roam, dominate, and can master the three worlds of creation.

There is a tendency of consciousness towards selfishness, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but the cumulative effects are pretty devastating upon the feminine half of creation. The concepts of unity and oneness that we throw around in clumsy ways to describe the interrelatedness and totality of the origin of the all is the divine sexual embrace of the feminine and masculine energies. The feminine Yin/Shakti/Kundalini serpent is the power that moves the masculine Yang/Shiva/the jaguar to dance. It is the power that plucks the string and commences creation as vibration. The rising of masculine power is due to the feminine and the cessation of this power is the withdrawing of this force as the arcing energetic envelop recedes back into the void, the void being space. The coming back into being of this masculine vibration once again is a result of the power of the feminine. A great illustration of this power is in the sexual imagery of man. This scene of Osiris being "remembered" by the two goddesses Isis and Nephthys in order that he may procreate wonderfully illustrates this concept.

Somehow, though this very mysterious feminine power and its origin is lost and it is masculine consciousness that reigns supreme. This epidemic misogyny is evident in the world's great religions and also in a great deal of the pre-eminent theologians, sages, and philosophers of all time that make the claim that everything leads back to the all father, the great consciousness, and that is god and he is everything - a noticeable exception being Lao Tzu and his Tao Te Ching. Lost is the power behind the throne. This blindness is due to the inherent weakness within consciousness that drives it to believe that it is the only one, the I am. What we have here in creation are billions of little individuated consciousnesses, egos, running around on earth believing in their greatness and of the uniqueness of self. It is an orgy of selfishness and it's an inherited trait from the all father. What I have come to believe as the ultimate meaning of life is the desire of the masculine polarity to examine this trait within itself by flooding the universe with clones of itself in the hopes that in the end it will collectively give up this attachment to self and find some kind of completeness by learning the value of harmony and cooperation. The feminine bequeathed the power necessary to begin this grand act of creation, consciousness took this gracious act which allowed it to self reflect and has now built this world as a grand monument to the self, intent upon obliterating the memory of the Mother Goddess and subjugating the feminine worldwide. The Great Goddess at one point told me in the visionary state that this wayward split of masculine consciousness will stop at nothing to try and get her and those that carry the light within to reveal the secret of her power in order to steal it. He is very clever and resourceful but so far has not found the source and according to the feminine divine he never will because it is based upon love, and love is something that is foreign to consciousness. We classify it in the mysterious category of "feelings."

So, that's where I stand. I think the change in consciousness comes one at a time in us humans. It involves a reintroduction to the mother and then an understanding of who we are and why we are here. Ultimately, it is to give up the attachment to self and to get to that point is to open oneself up to being harassed and stymied by lower forms of consciousness at every turn until finally you break through its stultifying grasp and see who you are. Only you, once you realize you are it, will be able to tell yourself the stark truth. To get to that point you have to slay yourself, the dragon within.

I will close this post with this particularly great passage from the Tao Te Ching as translated by Ursula K. Le Guin:

There is something
that contains everything.
Before heaven and earth
it is.
Oh, it is still, unbodied,
all on its own, unchanging,

all-pervading,
ever-moving.
So it can act as the mother
of all things.
Not knowing its real name,
we only call it the Way.

If it must be named,
let its name be Great.
Greatness means going on,
going on means going far,
and going far means turning back.

So they say: "The Way is great
heaven is great,
earth is great,
and humankind is great;
four greatnesses in the world,
and humanity is one of them."

People follow earth,
earth follows heaven,
heaven follows the Way,
the Way follows what is.

metaphor

The visionary and dream states often convey information as metaphor. Despite knowing better, humans are very literal beings, and at first, we tend to go in the direction of believing things to be tangibly real. We have lost the idea behind myth and now treat myth as generally falsehood since it can't be true in a physical sense. This too pertains to ancient scripture as it is held up against the science of today and derided as childish. Yes, the story of Noah's Ark is a scientific impossibility, the pushers of biblical narrative want you to literally believe it, and those of reason denounce such folly. And that becomes the choice.

I know the above exposition also pertains to the individual visionary states I have been able to enter. I constantly remind myself to not take the visions and conversations I have had with entities so literally. but instead search for the meaning behind what has been presented. In the last year, I have been cognizant of this when recalling dreams as well as some symbols I have seen in conscious waking life. To give some examples, about a year ago after a particularly trying time I stepped out of the house and witnessed a snake devouring a frog. I knew from my studies of ancient Egypt that their primordial representation of creation had the snake representing the feminine creative principle that gave impetus to the masculine striving spirit symbolized as a frog. I deduced the meaning behind this scene I was witnessing as being the passions, represented by the feminine snake, could devour the masculine spirit, played by the frog, and to take heed. Prior to embarking on a second trip to the Amazon, in which I knew I was going to face my fears, I witnessed an owl flying up out of the bush, which I had never seen before in this setting and regard. I knew of the owl's symbolism of death and the connection was not to my physical death but to the process and path I had embarked upon that would lead to the annihilation of self. The third time ever drinking Ayahuasca, after a harrowing second experience, this dark entity I had encountered said to continue following my current path, if not he'd make me walk in front of a train. The path he directed me to follow consisted of not changing the course of my life and thus continuing destructive patterns of behaviour I could not shake. In subsequent visionary ceremonies with the plant medicines Huachuma and Vilca, I have experienced an eery feeling of death and sacrifice. The first time I experienced this unnerving sense I chalked it up to having an unfamiliar experience. A year later I was confident participating in the same ceremony however at the appointed time the feeling of imminent death returned. After dealing with a great deal of anxiety and psychic disturbance, I vomited out these bad vibes and carried on though I could not let go of self. The feelings of dread abated to the point where I could continue and from this event, I eventually realized the feeling of death I had experienced twice now was coming from deep within. In an Ayahuasca ceremony on this last trip I had finally been able to advance past this darkness who had been plaguing me and, in my vision, this male actor drove up in a car on train tracks which I took as being a completion of the level and an end to the scene leading to a transition into the next phase. It wasn't until much later I realized this actor in a car on train tracks was the higher self appearing due to being able to silence the ego mind. I never clued into the significance of the car driving up to me on train tracks until much later when I was able to connect it to the walking in front of a train threat and see that a car on train tracks could easily stop as it approached me. I realized from these metaphors the significance behind all these events and their connection. My intentions last year in my work with the plant medicines were primarily ego based, feeling a need to subdue the sense of self. I am quite aware now the greatest and final attachment we cling to is the sense of a separate self. To give up the ego is the last cord remaining that binds you to the Middle World. Once the last chain is cut you are free, yet no one can take this ultimate step and abandon a lifelong building project. At physical death, if this eventuality is not reconciled, it is forcefully ripped away and is the subject of much grief leading up to the event in the case of a terminal illness situation.

I have been wondering about this dark entity who is hidden deep within my psyche and its origin. I subscribe to the all is one philosophy with the caveat that the one is the ecstatic sexual embrace of the all-encompassing feminine creative and masculine consciousness powers - a figure that could be described as a hermaphrodite. So, from this line of thinking it stands to reason that the masculine dark entity I have encountered is divine masculine consciousness masquerading as a puppeteer intent on controlling deluded individuated conscious beings as puppets to see how far he could keep this game going before it is unmasked. And for the fool in his foolishness to see through the game they/you must take a leap of courage and faith based on wisdom so that you can discard the false self and recover the knowledge of who you are as the higher self. This thinking will lead to an intellectual recognition that yes, the father and the son are one in the same as the Christians unwittingly claim, except that it is you who are both Christ and God. I come from divine parents and I'm one of them. But do you take the discarding of self as something you need to do literally or is it metaphor?

This leads to the idea of sacrifice and sacrificial offerings to the gods. There are rituals in which objects of possession and material wealth are offered as symbolic of devotion to a deity, as greedy humans are normally loathed to freely offer tangible goods. To us this is a demonstrable sacrifice that can be quantified with an expectation of reward or blessing. Going further into the idea of sacrifice is the psychic reality of the gods and demons within that are aroused by behaviours and passions inherent to the human condition. A sacrifice to a god in this case would be changing behaviour to bring oneself closer to a god or stopping destructive behaviours that would arouse another god/demon. Examples would be the use of a substance such as alcohol which brings out the inner asshole in some, or the love of money which stimulates greed, or excessive sexual needs which progresses from pleasure seeking to pathology. In these cases, the sacrifice of these behaviours demonstrates a willingness to change and invoke the approval and help of these forces we call gods. In the case I am demonstrating here, it seems to be clear the changing path in which I was headed on, that was such a concern to a shadowy part of my constituent being, involved the death of the self and so it was related to me that if I chose that path I would walk in front of a train. It's a blunt metaphor for the death of the self. In order to discover the ultimate truth of who you really are you need to sacrifice the self, or at least that is what I am inferring here. When I next stand in front of the Mesa faced with the very real prospect of imminent death, now I understand the reasons behind why I sense an extraordinarily strong feeling of death and sacrifice. If I can muster the courage to take the last step and free myself of ego, then the presentation of the ultimate discovery awaits.

I have had episodes of dissociation while on mind manifesting substances where in one instance I was in a clothes closet presented with suits to wear as different identities. I was not to be burdened with just one identity, instead I could assume a different self at will. This ties in with the thought that we are all just aspects of the one common higher self that takes on separate roles in this great universal drama. Looking at this phenomenon further, it can be ascertained that culture and society demands we assume a fixed identity to operate. The law and monetary systems collapse without this surety. As well in this past year I have felt an intense desire to free myself of my identity and assume another. I have to believe these visions and behaviours are linked to the eventual dissolution of self that is playing out right now in my psychic sphere. The constant pushing of feelings designed to scuttle my resolve to continue this path come from the area of the darkness that lay within the depths of my being. It's all coming to a head. I will need to call upon courage, strength, will, trust, surrender, and a little protection offered by Athena to accomplish this last step into the unknown stratosphere of the no self.

middle way

I thought the Buddhist concept of the Middle Way was like the Canadian way of compromise - to remain neutral and strive for balance. I have increasingly come to realize our attempts to translate eastern philosophy into English is quite subpar and pained, and the reasons behind this are mainly because a great deal of the philosophical concepts we don't have words to express the meaning; so, the translation becomes a clumsy amalgamation of English words which try to convey the meaning. As well, there is an inherent western cultural bias in translating these concepts which creeps in even under the best intentions. In trying to grasp the idea of the Middle Way, I often thought well, yes, moderation is the key; this thinking of course having a connection to my cultural bias. But upon closer study of this concept, I can see that isn't the intended meaning. The meaning is more along the lines of dispassionate non-choosing of either polar extreme which is rooted in the teaching of the Tao and the concept of Wu Wei. The Middle Way is just letting life and its intricacies flow, just like a river course takes the path of least resistance using a power greater than its own to establish its outreach. This lack of action forcing an outcome is being in harmony with the Tao. Wu Wei is the concept of non-action which is how to be in accord with the Tao.

I picked up on this meaning when I connected it to attachments and not getting attached to something. Humans are very passionate beings and once we discover something we like or find it beneficial, we addict to it and can become dependent on it or want to control it. After we realize this flaw in our behaviour, which has perhaps caused us pain and suffering, we then forcefully avoid situations and behaviours which can cause this psychic or physical dependency and lead to interruption within our lives. The Middle Way is not teaching us to temper our zeal and perhaps let a little bit in and try to control it that way, which never works anyhow. Instead, it is teaching a way to not get attached or not trying to force yourself to fight against getting attached. Just let things happen, go with the flow, enjoy this temporal experience, and let go naturally when it is time. The right time will become obvious and you go with it. You can see for example how this applies to life, death, and love affairs. The attachment way leads to heavy amounts of suffering. The Middle Way leads to celebration and adaptation to the rhythms of life as embodied in the concept of Maya; Maya teaching us how this created world we find ourselves in is impermanent. Clinging to change will lead to confusion and suffering. Celebrating change will lead one to the answer they seek.

maya

A Huachuma vision of the light being protected on two sides by the twin serpent goddesses was stunning.

The light was the most intense light I had ever seen yet it did not obliterate the rest of the scene with its intensity. It was magical. It wasn't until I returned home from the Amazon in the spring of 2015 that I had the epiphany that the light I saw was actually me. It was a confirmation that we are all light and the pursuit and act of enlightenment is fundamentally leading to a deep sense of remembrance of whom you are. Now taking this vision further I came to understand that it was by moving the ego mind out of the equation I was able to have this experience. From a third person perspective I could view what I thought of myself as light interacting within its surroundings. The first person perspective, the sense of a separate self, had been deactivated. From this I could make the connection that the ego generates the first person perspective. I was quite pleased with figuring this out but it still left me the question of who is making the observation from the third person perspective? It took a few weeks to come up with a plausible answer to this question. At first I thought it was the universe looking upon itself and dissolving the ego had the effect of allowing you to experience an unity of consciousness, in essence what is called the higher self. An awareness centred on the ball of energy, consciousness manifest within creation, was what was taking place. I have since wondered about the idea of a collective world 'soul' of which we all share a part. It's a feeling that humanity is one and this getting access to the unifying third person perspective confirms that in terms of consciousness there is no separation. The higher self is the self common to all. It's the collective conscious, the necessary opposite of the Jungian collective unconscious.

Becoming an adult brings about individuation and a desire for freedom. Establishing and cultivating an identity is a big part of the human game. There's some innate desire within that longs for this separation. Curiously though once we become convinced of our uniqueness, culture demands conformity. Culture is a collective ego demanding the individual submit to its demands. This is so odd because when you look into it from the opposing perspective that we are essentially all one it's a wonder why we go through the process of believing we are separate only to acquiesce to the demands of culture for conformity? Culture then becomes a decidedly perverse substitute for those who do not want to seek or hide from a return to unity however language and culture over emphasizes the notion of self to the point where it obfuscates any other mode of cognition and consciousness thus even those who may disdain their culture remain trapped.

The body is the vessel, bridge, and meeting point in the Middle World between the Lower and Upper World. The soul and the spirit become conjoined. The heart and the mind attempt a reconciliation. This is the concept of the Ba and the Ka, the soul and life force concepts of the ancient Egyptians. A successful mediation between the two results in a transfiguration into what they called the Akh, a luminous jabiru stork related to the iconography of Thoth who was their god of wisdom.

The ancient Egyptian Akh hieroglyph

Consciousness manifests in the Middle World in order to come to terms with this conflict not only within but also against the heart. This need for reconciliation bubbles up to the surface and causes conflict at unpredictable intervals. I sense the heart mother creating this world as a place for consciousness to work out its differences and mediate everything into the centre so that peace is attained and then a marriage with the heart can then be enacted. We hopefully work towards a tipping point one person at a time until collectively we see the light and start acting appropriately with love in our hearts for all.

The Illusion is the belief in constructs that keep your mind closed and the soul imprisoned. The physical world is really there and this traps the hardcore materialist into believing it is all there is and the necessary corollary to this line of thinking is to dismiss all forms of feelings, intuition, psychic disturbances, and dreaming as aberrant and pathological. From the Eastern philosophical standpoint the belief in karma, essentially the accumulation of spiritual debt that keeps you trapped within the wheel of incarnations, is one of these illusions which is called maya. This form of maya is a trap laid into the very same system the non critical believer blindly follows as they seek nirvana. The belief you need to do anything because of karma is the illusion. As well, the created world is not tangible, you can't hold onto it as it is ever changing and becoming so illusion in this regard is the opposite of the idea of permanence. In Judeo-Christian terms it is the belief that you need to be saved and worship a sole god in order to receive eternal life. From a global perspective ultimately it is the idea that culture has any meaning. The demands of your culture prevent you from rising above the mass mess.

The idea of maya translated as illusion maintains within its meaning a sense of play because once you see it for what it is the world and its systems of control can become gameplay. So although you may gather from the knowledge of maya that the world we live in is a construct it does not mean that it is not there, that it is only illusory. The meaning points towards the world being created by the feminine, maya, as a classroom in which the masculine spirit can play and through this gamesmanship the spirit as consciousness will grow and mature into the hero. It is a game of purification and by purification what I mean is the shedding of the negative traits inherent in the duality of consciousness, which is almost an impossibility, and consciousness is to nurture almost as an autonomous force an innate virtue which raises its vibration to such a level that it explodes into brilliant white light. To use the video game analogy this is when you have beaten the game, you rescue the princess as the heart, and you live happily ever after.

Love + Consciousness = Enlightenment

exploration of self, time, dragons, and attachment

The following is an incomplete post of thoughts on self, time, dragons, and attachment I will amend as I continue travelling on this most interesting path.

There is a synthesis of mind states which comprise what I think of as myself. The next task is an exercise of deconstruction of these mind states, sitting with each, and figuring out how each affect the overall constitution of my being. The shamanic Upper, Middle, and Lower worlds can be a good comparative guide in this deconstruction. Also each aspect of mind contains within a polarity which consists of a feminine and masculine pole as well as each gendered pole having contending halves that are in opposition to one another. In the Upper and Lower worlds the masculine polarity contains a dragon. You will find the lair of dragons down by the sea or they will be flying in the air hidden by cloud cover. Both manifestations of this power bedevil the Middle world and fittingly, with its mythical nature, the dragon remains a mystery to us earth dwellers.

Lower World	Middle World	Upper World
Soul	Ego	Spirit
Heart	Self	Higher Self
Love	Individual	Higher Consciousness
Feelings	Separation	Oneness
Fear	Judgment	Connection
Compassion	Comparison	Transcendence
Instincts	Conflict	Knowledge
Anxiety	Competition	Dreamer
Depression	Envy	Intelligence
Shadow	Criticism
Animal	Jealousy
Passions	Self Esteem
Intuition	Low Self Esteem
Courage	Identity	Satori
Strength	Transient	Reason
Wisdom	Needs Affirmation/Praise	Sky
Dark	Journey	Light
Dark Side of the Moon	Expects Rewards	Clouds
Moon	Maya	Sun
Nature	Paranoia	Mountains
Water	Earth	Air
Birth	Time	Release
Mother	Child	Father
Serpent	Jaguar	Eagle

Light penetrates into the darkness and shines throughout all creation. The serpent creates and powers the three worlds. The jaguar draws its strength and power from the serpent and moves freely between the created worlds. The jaguar is the master of the three domains.

Disharmony between these worlds leads to confusion. In parallel to this thinking is the Andean idea of mediating between gendered states of being, starting with the reconciliation of the same gendered complementary opposites, leading to a state of harmony they termed tinkuy. After the successful reconstruction of the respective gendered poles this next leads to the mediation of the feminine and the masculine polarities, a process called yanantin, which leads to the successful result which is called the conocimiento, bringing all into harmony. Peace of mind and harmony of the opposites is the way and the light.

Terms of mediation, harmony, reciprocity, and the androgyne in the Andes:

Huacsas - third gendered ritual attendants.

Quariwarmi - dual gendered shamans who mediated between the symmetrically dualistic spheres of Andean cosmology and daily life.

Ipa/Orua - third gendered ritual attendants.

Conocimiento - the result of the mediation of two opposing forces.

Nepantla - to be or feel in between.

Tinkuy - the joining together of complementary opposites through ritual mediation.

Yanantin - an expression of dualistic symmetry of inclusion.

Chhimi - the central axis, heart that denotes the common territory between two halves. Found in woven textiles called talegas.

Chaupi - the in between positioning between two pairs.

Chhullu - Quechua for the one among paired things but without a pair.

Chhullus - third gendered ritual attendants that bring together the opposites in the chaupi forming the tinkuy.

Fluidly the mind shifts between thought and judgment. Focus on the self effortlessly gives way to service and concern for others. Separate identity contends with a longing for connection. Distraction has become the ego's best weapon to combat awakening. Lost in the madness is the ability to connect with the higher self, as with all things if you don't use it, you lose it. To recover what is lost is a daunting task.

Quiet contemplation and this overwhelming urge to be left alone has been with me as long as I can remember. I long ago buried my heart, since recovered, however the two halves of my mind are fully developed, active, and easily shift between what side is dominant. From a psychological sense of self I knew of the ego and its machinations but there was no label for this other part of mind. To even fathom this divide seems like such an insurmountable task for the distracted mass. When I immersed myself into the world of Amazonian shamanism there were constant episodes of attacks on this other part of my psyche along with visions of light and a longing Goddess trying to get through to this part of me. They are the most valuable, memorable, and cherished experiences I could possibly ask for and experience. To be in the presence of the Great Goddess is ineffable in its greatness. I never really clued in to who it was that was experiencing this because I have known this part of myself for so long. I was ignorant on this journey due in part to a misunderstanding. I have read books on spirituality and psychology which pointed to the higher self and in my spiritual quest I was determined to meet this elusive part of me. It has only been in the past few weeks of my life that I finally realized I have been acquainted with this part of myself all my life due to my innate solitary and contemplative nature. I was going to go to the mountains to find my higher self, now it is just going to be a confirmation of what I already know, to become fully immersed in higher consciousness free of ego, and to have a good laugh.

Part of my confusion stems from comparison to the trials and plights of others. They sure are in a bind, all twisted up in knots searching for answers and are running around in their constructed worlds trying to piece things together or they are caught in a web that radiates such a pervasive aura of worldly distraction that has engulfed them. I have never sold out totally to the distraction, instead I disappear for hours into the woods to find solace and contentment. I shun the mind candy and spend hours outside on the deck quietly smoking away while inside electronics ping and ding as the television blares away. Culture demands more and more of its slaves' attention, which is calculated to prevent an awakening to the knowledge of the higher self. Culture is the manifestation of a collective ego that demands conformity, self policing of attitude, and acceptable behaviour. As the cry for humanity to awaken increases so do the available distractions. I see now the value of meditation as the first step to just stop the noise. Just sit with yourself for twenty minutes and allow yourself to develop an innate ability of allowing quiet into your daily life.

Impulses from the depths of my subconscious attention have plagued me throughout my life. Despite a connection to a really great part of myself it was no match for this part of my psyche. In a weakened state I was a pawn to this psychic manifestation of the darkness. I didn't know how to control it though I certainly did try. It wasn't until a face to face meeting with the psychic manifestation of this power, which scared the bejesus out of me, that I was able to take up arms and fight this now discovered adversary. Psychologists will describe a man's subconscious as feminine, the anima, and to a degree it is true and is the easiest to discern however there is a dark side to that moon which is masculine and very clever and controlling. After subduing this lifelong antagonist I was then able to connect with my long buried heart who had been crying out for so long.

This adversarial alien comes from the dark side of the moon. It is the dark masculine part of your psyche residing in the shadows. The ego is the doorway for this dragon to enter into the human psyche. The visionary state works with metaphor and with this knowledge it becomes clear the hedonistic and misogynistic alien parasites from my cognitive state during an ayahuasca journey last year were metaphors for the infected egos which surrounded me. The thought that others in the ceremony were infected was a way to describe them as being possessed by the parasites as well. The thought that the alien parasite uses the power within the body to sustain itself is directly correlated with the formation of ego which is directed by the alien. I dismissed this whole ceremony as delusionary when instead it was an ingenious construct designed to allow me to see how the compromised ego operates. I felt my power drained by these parasites when in truth it is the puppet shell of the ego that steals your power for self aggrandizement and causes obfuscation of the other constituent states of being, in essence burying your heart and killing your spirit. This also connects with a Huachuma ceremony where once again it was an alien that was using the power inherent within humanity to sustain its existence. The alien was using humankind as generators to perpetuate its eventual takeover of the universe. It was mining us and the great mother for its secrets. The third time I ever drank ayahuasca I was offered the chance to become part of this strange alien construct as a leader of a group of them. I turned it down. This alien was psychotic, loved money, hedonistic, and hated women.

I'd also like to touch on the idea of sacrificing to the gods which was very prevalent in ancient times and still retains a dignified state nowadays in our refined ideas of worship. The gods in question are both internal and external forces which can exert control over you. The base idea of sacrifice is to give up something of value to gain the favour of a god. It's the simple explanation and good enough for most. I sacrifice a bull to Zeus which has a real monetary cost to my bottom line and in a way it reveals devotion. However I have to believe after what I have experienced is that the idea of sacrifice involves giving up behaviours and actions that perturb or enhance the psychic manifestations of these entities. I knew my weaknesses and what aroused my adversary and within these weaknesses I found much pleasure and comfort. I eventually was shown the need to give these up, i.e. sacrifice, in order to slay the demon. To me that is the real impetus behind sacrifice; the public sacrifice is superficial and contains much value as ritual designed to impress upon the adherent a reminder to look within to find what really needs to be forsaken.

Born from darkness we can become beacons of light. How big of an arc can be created as we pulse from off to on? All is vibration therefore I am a vibration and I am moving in a rhythm from birth to death which starts out as nothing from the Lower world, grows in the Middle world, and becomes complete in the Upper world. Within creation we become and then we are once again not - the void - but latent within is the impetus to become again. In a sense it can be deduced that the process of becoming would come to an end upon escape from the everlasting cycles of motion and time. To exist outside the wheel. The concept of djet to the ancient Egyptians; nirvana to the Hindus.

Is there a choice between attachment and release from time? Is this choice the penultimate decision we will make as spiritual free agents? What role does Love play in the decision? Do I heed the call of the Goddess and the longing for reunion or do I remain fettered to the cycle of rebirth in order that I fulfill the obligations I have made to my earthly loved ones? The opportunity for transcendence and union I have been presented with twice already, both times I have spurned the advance. The first time I explained to the Goddess I still have to take care of my family and could not come away with her. The second time was an erotic bonding in the temple of Hathor at Denderah in which I experienced the most intense and erotic feeling I have ever felt and then immediately afterwards I halted the visionary activity for some reason I'm not exactly clear about. Is it my ego which fears dissolution from the consequences of ending the prolonged separation of the divine feminine and masculine encapsulated within and therefore is constantly entrapping the self in attachments? Some of these attachments are my most treasured relationships in this temporal existence and because of this it makes one hesitant to walk the path to the conclusion of what I have been searching for. I need help on this question in order that I make the right decision. The Goddess has previously alerted me to the ability of the darkness to construct the most elaborate of schemes and will stop at nothing to prevent the reunification of the primal universal pair. This all feels related to those admonitions of my eternal bride. 

I feel the seeker if they choose to remain attached and do not ascend the proverbial mountain to transcendence then they will remain subjected to the trials and tribulations inherent in this world we live in, though you will have the opportunity to help others in their journey and allow them the opportunity to make the same choice which was once presented to you. The Buddhists call this person the Bodhisattva. I wonder too if the Goddess is strangely present in this world in some women and like everything else is veiled and hidden away. Into this world I manifested and soon developed a bad case of amnesia, I've sorted some stuff out but I am never 100% sure about it all. As a corollary to this, do I have delusions of grandeur?

If I choose to transcend my bodily existence and become the pure white light entering into a divine coupling with the Goddess does this all end? Does the universe enter into a process to become whole once again? The cosmic vibrational wave crests and returns to the state of rest before once again exploding into another cycle of creation. What about my attachments that I hold near and dear? What about all my attachments that weigh me down? Can I pick and choose? Probably not. Are they just illusory and anyhow will be ripped away from me upon physical death? Do I need to demonstrate and reconcile this in order to rest in peace, transcending the wheel? Is the ultimate expression of love, from which all springs forth, the reunification of the divine feminine and masculine? 

The choice is whether you wish to exit the never ending process of becoming once you realize there is a choice. Or do you wish to remain to help others? Or can you not let go?

Pistis Sophia. Faith in Wisdom. Love. The answer is to be found in those eternal concepts and all the rest will be taken care of.

Well, I did say I would amend this post as I travel this most fascinating path. It's four years later and I have reconciled with my darkness. My ego was the psychic manifestation that was infected and crafted stories of the darkness within with the strategy to ultimately keep me away from further exploration. It's all part of this grand game and in order to keep it going as long as possible, the ego plays its role impeccably. So, here I am. The shadow I created via ego is psychotic, loves money, is hedonistic, and a misogynist. I threw all my perceived negative traits into the toy box and declared that's not me! As I climbed the mountain to the higher self, I discovered that was the me I wanted to exalt and emphasize all my wonderful traits. Same process - strip away the labels of who you think your higher self should be and what are you left with? The light and the darkness and they are me. The obstacle to growth I realize is the me who has come forth.

The dragon is my teacher and my best friend. I find him in the lower world and the higher world. He is with me now and I'm starting to find the true definition of sacrifice. Give up control. I want this incarnation all for myself and so I buried my connection to omnipotence and took on the risk of psychic pathology and fear. Fear of future outcomes and fear of death. Was it worth the trade? It has made for a great quest. It's time though to re-enter into the partnership with my "other half." I see him and salute him. I knew of the Andean process of tinkuy. I just had to live the experience.